I’ve always been nervous that someone might brand me as “gay”. Yes, I have experienced attraction to guys for as long as I can remember, but that’s not who I am. It’s just something that happens to me. Even then, because SSA happens in my head, it’s only as real as I make it. As Forest Gump might have said, “Gay is as gay does.”
And I don’t “do” gay. I don’t look or act gay in any of the stereotypical ways. In my life, I have found various women attractive on multiple levels: physically, socially, spiritually, and other ways. I even got married and have four wonderful children. Although I am no longer married, I can say that having a wife made me feel complete.
It’s true that I didn’t do any serious dating in high school or college. That’s mainly because I’m inherently self-conscious and my parents never set a good example of a loving, supportive male-female relationship. I didn’t really know what I was missing or how to act, so I avoided relationships.
I finally broke through those barriers and got married when I was 30. That might be late for Utah where I live now, but where I grew up, getting married at 30 was rather unremarkable.
Unfortunately, my marriage ended after 12 years. My wife tried to get me to admit I was gay many times, but the truth is that I just didn’t know how to be a great husband. It’s not that I did anything particularly wrong, but she didn’t feel valued. When she left, she said, “You don’t love me.” I protested and insisted that I did love her. Looking back now, I realize we were just too different. If I had more dating experience before hand, I probably would have realized that from the very beginning.