I’m not gay.

I’ve always been nervous that someone might brand me as “gay”.  Yes, I have experienced attraction to guys for as long as I can remember, but that’s not who I am.  It’s just something that happens to me.  Even then, because SSA happens in my head, it’s only as real as I make it.  As Forest Gump might have said, “Gay is as gay does.”

And I don’t “do” gay.  I don’t look or act gay in any of the stereotypical ways.  In my life, I have found various women attractive on multiple levels: physically, socially, spiritually, and other ways.  I even got married and have four wonderful children. Although I am no longer married, I can say that having a wife made me feel complete.

It’s true that I didn’t do any serious dating in high school or college.  That’s mainly because I’m inherently self-conscious and my parents never set a good example of a loving, supportive male-female relationship.  I didn’t really know what I was missing or how to act, so I avoided relationships.

I finally broke through those barriers and got married when I was 30.  That might be late for Utah where I live now, but where I grew up, getting married at 30 was rather unremarkable.

Unfortunately, my marriage ended after 12 years.  My wife tried to get me to admit I was gay many times, but the truth is that I just didn’t know how to be a great husband.  It’s not that I did anything particularly wrong, but she didn’t feel valued.  When she left, she said, “You don’t love me.”  I protested and insisted that I did love her.  Looking back now, I realize we were just too different.  If I had more dating experience before hand, I probably would have realized that from the very beginning.

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Author: Oisin

Oisin Field is my real name--inasmuch as it is translated correctly. I'm a single, middle-aged Mormon dad. If you are reading this, congratulations because I didn't mean for anyone to find or read it. This is a place to air some personal thoughts that I want to process and remember without getting lost in a journal that I will never look at again.

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